One more weekend is behind me almost. My son is Norway, visiting places we used to be together, and he is updating me on a daily base. More, and more time is passes, I really believe in what I said many years ago when I left Norway, that maybe Oslo is not the city I am born in but Norway is my home country. I found myself there. All was good, and things were really bright even in dark Norwegian nights. People are nice, they are very simple souls, they trust, they believe and you can feel warm even if it is cold. I think I will travel in December for Christmas there, to see the magic of Santa (who is actually coming from Norway :-))…and do ice skating at National Theater once again. I miss the snow falling down, and the smell of winter mixed with smell of cinnamon and tea. I met many interesting people there, who gave me a chance and believed in me, and after Norway life was never the same. It might be more money, job opportunities, but that feeling of being relaxed, and knowing that even if things goes wrong it will be hope and nothing will be lost for ever I never ever had. I left Norway with few suitcases, my son and ex husband in 2007 this time to go for American dream. I was actually happy in Oslo, I did not have much, but I had enough. However, I am person that get influenced by people, especially their dreams, and try to leave someone else’s dream, so I said ok…let’s move to America, Florida and try out American Dream!!!!! But then I realized, that American Dream was lost long before I came there, and that I am not the one to achieve it. In Norway I started my life, for the first time on my own, simple, alone, as a Nanny in one diplomat house. I came there in that small Norwegian village, Tompter to take care of 2 kids, and I left my own 2.5 yr old son, but with idea I will make a better life for him in years to come. I did all house job, taking children to school, and sport activities, cleaning the house, and making food. Me making food – I never did in my life, bcs I did study to be a doctor, and my mum did it for me…but than all of the sudden from a doctor office, and people knocking on my door I became an just cleaning lady. I did have my small room, and that was my corner, to think and plan what I will do…. I missed my Stefan enormously every minute…still today I cannot forgive myself I left him. He says it was a best thing, and it seems so today, but that empty spot will always remain in my heart. I did call every day 3 times but voice is one and being there is something else…I was person with no papers, expired visa and illegally in other country, with no money, nothing, just one bag of not so warm clothes and one bag of medical books… I did pass Norwegian language on professional level after 6 months, and send 750 exactly, job applications…I did receive loads negative responses, and many who never replied to me. One day in October my master, told me they have a new Nanny that will replace me, and I will need to leave!!!!!!!! No money, I will be send to Serbia, and I was in state of panic…but somehow when all looked with no future, I found my Prof and option in life…and here I am after so many years, still looking for the real breakthrough, and real chance…building slowly but it seems rather like house of cards than Empire State Building… but who knows, I might find what I am searching for. Still, as today I did not find it…. not in Norway, not in America…I thought for a moment I found it in Belgium but than I realized no it was just an illusion, almost a confusion. It is time for next destination, and I still have 3 places in mind, and decision will be difficult but one is sure, soon the Belgium story will be over, and we will start all over again. And I will do it, again and again, no matter how many times, until I manage to have what I want and what I need…even I die trying, it will be worth…I am from recently, following my dreams, not anyone else, just mine….and first thing i ask myself in the morning before I get up from bed is – what is it what will make you feel good today…It is now time to be all about me :-)…not children, not partners, not friends, it is ME!!!!!! I say hello to new me… No one else metters….
How to start this..We all think how powerful are we, strong, we can do most of the things and nothing can stop us. Until something really stop us, big time. This is dedicated to my father. I consider him one of two man in my life who are my best friends. He is the first one and second one is my son Stefan. I do not trust any other man or ever will except two of them! All rest can never come close to them, in terms of private relationships. My dad, was a mathematician on the first place, very smart, thought me to all math magic and that all can be expressed in numbers. He was so right, yes, all can be expressed in numbers and we all have or number definitely. He was always energetic, unstoppable, in move, able to do everything. He spoke few languages, did sports, and studied until he was almost 80 yrs old. I always thought, he will be moving whole life, and it can never end… However, a few yrs ago he started forgetting things, minor one, light version of being lost in the 21st century… Did not seem anything unusual, bcs we all forget things here and there. But…things got worse, and worse, and recently they progressed to that level that ow my dad is an disabled man. He is in a special ward, fixed to the chair most of the day…still in some occasions remember who am I, which makes me cry each time I visit. It means just one thing, that he really loved me unconditionally, he was my biggest support for all i did in my life. He was always there to give all he could and wise advice when time was difficult. Even now, when I asked him what is happiness he looked and said that there are not true happiness unless you have your child, than you do not know. And when I asked him what is love, he said it is if you can spend bad times together…I did ask him, what if someone leaves you and does not care about you anymore at all…he said the smart thing – ignore that person, and do not have any contact anymore bcs it is not a nice person, it is an monster and does not deserve any attention!!!!!!!!!!!! That is coming from man with severe dementia, who does not know his name really well anymore… Dad, even you are not the same, I know that you love me same as you did before, and I want to thank you for all support you gave to me. You could vanish and abandon me as some men ( who call themselves father!!!!) did, but you did not and you were there for me…You should know that I feel very sorry for what is happening to you, and that i wish I did all those years research in dementia field instead oncology, and found the magic pill to solve your issue… I will always miss you, now, and once you die…
Your Baby girl
I do not consider myself as very social person, I am not antisocial ether but I will rather be observer than active participant in some activities. So far many retreats I did attend turned to be not so well organized but today was different. Even if I was very sceptical to start with, and dropped at the ramp of resort, and had to walk for 10 min early in the morning – which was nice actually even was cold, the things turned to be surprisingly funny. I listened to people presentations about themselves, and I’m impressed how look and interests doesn’t always make a match or even sense. It was nice to hear that so many man really care about their children and families and makes me hope that not all man are outsiders who doesn’t like their own kind. I did manage to meet some people I never had a chance to speak more than hello, and discover that they have interesting hobbies or interests in general. Also, I did manage to take a part in small acting activity which was really funny … cream on top is workshop in how to make chocolate!!!!!! I’m looking forward to tasting it eventually though…I must admit I’m not active in making chocolate but I guess that someone has to participate actively in other part of the story – tasting it…. and most of all, this place has a lot of memories such as that the love story of mine started here few years ago, and now the person is dead but the memories will live and stay in my and our loving baby… I will be here tomorrow again, and probably never again, but for sure every time I taste a hot chocolate anywhere, will remind me on the resort and many other things that follow…. Many people will stay to sleep over, party and dance, but I will just stay for a dinner and go home… I look myself and ask why you don’t stay to dance, but I guess you can’t dance if your wings are broken, but I will do sooner or later, bcs even if the person dies, the love remains until the end of time as in 2Pac song :-)….
It is very interesting how people think and see things. Few days ago I posted one quote about psychopaths and over 400 people view my post but no one liked or shared! I wonder why? Bcs they recognize themselves, or they recognize someone close to them so they got scared of the fact or… they just show fear of human population, and doesn’t want to be involved with the things that are different? Who knows, but actually the post is true…I know few psychopaths myself! They are around us, dressed nice, act nicely, like real gentlemen, so carrying, open to help and be there for you, but it is all fake! So knowing the signs of them, is very helpful, just for yourself, not for them. They are like a gangrenous leg, you cannot do anything for the leg, but you can remove it from the body and continua living, and let the rotten thing be burned!
Dinja, is Serbian actress and comedian. She made me laugh the other few days, with such a crazy, funny, but true clips on youtube. Some I really love, and are good to remember – first when the mum is sitting on the parent-teacher meeting, and you know the situation when teacher ask, if someone has something to ask them, so mum answer – yes, i have a question – how long will last this your bull shitting, bcs I am in a hurry, there is cooked rakia waiting for me :-)…LOL…Second one when she wants to get married, and is posting the announce in the agency that will search for potential lucky one or…So she represents herself as ugly, horrible person, with not such a good memory, that is egocentric maniac, doesn’t do anything in the house, and she loves that all things are done for her, she has a big mouth, and she is looking for someone to disfigure his life – code – Sado-Mazo :-)…I still cannot stop laughing really…she has it all, charismatic, funny, face that is so convincing, and represent just what many of really think, but we fake, and act different, and do not want to say those things that we really have in mind.