Weekend

One more weekend is behind me almost. My son is Norway, visiting places we used to be together, and he is updating me on a daily base. More, and more time is passes, I really believe in what I said many years ago when I left Norway, that maybe Oslo is not the city I am born in but Norway is my home country. I found myself there. All was good, and things were really bright even in dark Norwegian nights. People are nice, they are very simple souls, they trust, they believe and you can feel warm even if it is cold. I think I will travel in December for Christmas there, to see the magic of Santa (who is actually coming from Norway :-))…and do ice skating at National Theater once again. I miss the snow falling down, and the smell of winter mixed with smell of cinnamon and tea. I met many interesting people there, who gave me a chance and believed in me, and after Norway life was never the same. It might be more money, job opportunities, but that feeling of being relaxed, and knowing that even if things goes wrong it will be hope and nothing will be lost for ever I never ever had. I left Norway with few suitcases, my son and ex husband in 2007 this time to go for American dream. I was actually happy in Oslo, I did not have much, but I had enough. However, I am person that get influenced by people, especially their dreams, and try to leave someone else’s dream, so I said ok…let’s move to America, Florida and try out American Dream!!!!! But then I realized, that American Dream was lost long before I came there, and that I am not the one to achieve it. In Norway I started my life, for the first time on my own, simple, alone, as a Nanny in one diplomat house. I came there in that small Norwegian village, Tompter to take care of 2 kids, and I left my own 2.5 yr old son, but with idea I will make a better life for him in years to come. I did all house job, taking children to school, and sport activities, cleaning the house, and making food. Me making food – I never did in my life, bcs I did study to be a doctor, and my mum did it for me…but than all of the sudden from a doctor office, and people knocking on my door I became an just cleaning lady. I did have my small room, and that was my corner, to think and plan what I will do…. I missed my Stefan enormously every minute…still today I cannot forgive myself I left him. He says it was a best thing, and it seems so today, but that empty spot will always remain in my heart. I did call every day 3 times but voice is one and being there is something else…I was person with no papers, expired visa and illegally in other country, with no money, nothing, just one bag of not so warm clothes and one bag of medical books… I did pass Norwegian language on professional level after 6 months, and send 750 exactly, job applications…I did receive loads negative responses, and many who never replied to me. One day in October my master, told me they have a new Nanny that will replace me, and I will need to leave!!!!!!!! No money, I will be send to Serbia, and I was in state of panic…but somehow when all looked with no future, I found my Prof and option in life…and here I am after so many years, still looking for the real breakthrough, and real chance…building slowly but it seems rather like house of cards than Empire State Building… but who knows, I might find what I am searching for. Still, as today I did not find it…. not in Norway, not in America…I thought for a moment I found it in Belgium but than I realized no it was just an illusion, almost a confusion. It is time for next destination, and I still have 3 places in mind, and decision will be difficult but one is sure, soon the Belgium story will be over, and we will start all over again. And I will do it, again and again, no matter how many times, until I manage to have what I want and what I need…even I die trying, it will be worth…I am from recently, following my dreams, not anyone else, just mine….and first thing i ask myself in the morning before I get up from bed is – what is it what will make you feel good today…It is now time to be all about me :-)…not children, not partners, not friends, it is ME!!!!!! I say hello to new me… No one else metters….img_0918

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