Visit

Rainy evening, not cold, but i did enjoy the feeling. I park my car, sit for a while on the parking and listening raindrops, and looking in the dark. Sometimes, I am not sure if this is all real, or it is happening to someone else, and Ii am just watching it from other side of the road. I feel so much different things, and I do not feel anything at the same time. Music is on, I listen some song that I do not even like and I wonder how it ended up on my iPhone…Finally, I open the door and leave towards hospital, its dark all over the place, no people, just rain. For a moment I thought  can go for a walk and skip the visit…but …I love hospitals at night, it is silent, but has some atmosphere… always think someone is born somewhere now, and someone is dying, and others are sleeping…having one more or few more days…I open the door, and I see my dad sitting alone , hall is empty, and smell is different…it smell on old people, end of life and just on waiting for one more day. I say, TATA- it is dad on Serbian language. He looks my direction, smiles on me, but he does not know who am I at all, not today…some days he does, but most days he does not. I kiss him, he smiles again..i ask him how is he…and he start talking, different things…I am sitting and listening, and thinking about life, and what is the point of life…Is that all? Could it be??? All this running for money, kids, Christmas presents, BD presents…stress, tears, fears, is that all just to end up one day like this??? I am not even scared, but rather disappointed, with all…I think what I want of my life, what I want from this evening??? Is it one evening that is like all the others or it will be different?? I say goodbye and leave the ward, and  I am back to the rainy night…I do not know where I want to go??? Shall I go to Mr Perfect??? Tell him how much I love him? SHall I go for a joy ride and listen to the music… No, nothing will change, tonight was the same routine, i do hope one night i will change it, and do the other way around… Until than, the rain stopped, and the lights of the car are shining all over…. I am just tired, and sad bcs I miss my dad…I want to ask him what to do, he always knew the answer…Goodnight my dad, I will always miss you….

Yours Baby…

LUMITW

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