Gone with the flame of time πŸ’˜

We are all aware that the time passes and we eventually regret for things we did do, or more for things we did not do. I always wonder where is the time gone? Constantly, I have feeling that the time pass so slowly, but than I turn and see that years are gone by, and I cannot even remember where , how, and most importantly why??? When I left Serbia, it was because I thought that I reached the roof, and I have no perspectives anymore. Life seemed rather, being limited to home, work, in my case hospital, child (I had just my son that time), and occasional coffee break with friends…All people were mostly unhappy, and than you want just go home, instead to listen all the same problems that you have as well…I remember that time, I was thinking, what is next?? retirement, and than to choose the place on cemeteryΒ  and wait for other life, that you don’t know it exists at all, but let’s hope. That is the time my anxiety started, fear that I will end my life not trying. So I left to my journey that still goes on, in hope that somewhere else I will find what I am searching for. And I do not even know exactly, what I am searching for? Is it love? Endless, unconditional one, like in a movies! Might be, if it exists at all…I did have a few years ago, feeling that I am living that love story of the life time, but now, when i think, and see how fast i forgot all good and bad…I know it was not a love, no, not the real one that people are talking about, it was rather a flame, words, that I enjoyed, but person was wrong. I am still looking for the Mr one, in the ocean of man I see everyday everywhere, some of them cough my special attention, enough to start conversation, but than I realize it is just another clue :-). Maybe, i am looking for a money??? Are money happiness? I believe in 21st century they are, bcs you need money for everything. And, feeling of having money makes you feel good, you can afford things…all those shiny, nice, fancy things, or travelling, or whatever you like, and at the end of the story it cost. Even medications cost…so if you are sick, and no money, you are in a trouble, many things will not be available, bcs of whatever it is, health insurance, simply you cannot have it. Am I looking for happiness? We all look for happiness, to have that simple, but rather complex feeling of being light, jumping inside of us, glowing and cannot explain why…just feeling good. I read so many quotes about happiness, that it is inside of us. But where is that secret place inside of us that hold happiness? is it heart? Mind? Body?? That feeling is so short lasting, that you can miss it in this everyday life…I feel happy every day with my kids, but I want that magical feeling of being completed to last for ever, not to be influenced by people, by anyone…I did manage for the few last months to be really happy, and feel like flying and being just alone with myself. Even in gray days, rainy and cold mornings, I will get up, and just smile, and feel good…But I know that the storm will come one day, and I do not know how to storage this positive feeling I have now so when the storm comes, I open my inside box of happiness and blow away the dark forces…I don’t want that to be gone with the flame of time, and I stay emotionally naked, in front the fire of time that will burn my personality and soul..

Love

Silvija

time

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16 thoughts on “Gone with the flame of time πŸ’˜

      1. That is the best way to write: let the words flow and then check them later, if you want to. As for “not thinking”, there is a lot of thought packed into your prose, even if you don’t think about including it!

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  1. So many wonders and questions of your heart spoken with courageous honesty. Wonders and questions I believe we all ponder especially with the passage of time! I have found many of these answers with faith I will find even more and I believe you will too including that man that will let you know a deeper meaning of love.

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    1. This is so nice written from you! Thank you…I believe in honesty…and being with people that are not honest is worst thing …they are negative and unhappy people, so they drag you down:-)..Let’s see, time will show, for a moment I am happy and in love with myself πŸ™‚ and with many, many man who are approaching me LOL πŸ™‚

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  2. “Even in gray days, rainy and cold mornings, I will get up, and just smile, and feel good” – I love this sentence, Silvija! Your writing voice has such honesty and it really connects with the reader. I wonder, if you keep writing in those discouraging times, if that will help recall the happiness you are seeking? Just a thought. Good post!

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  3. Dear Silvija, I, too, greatly appreciate your honesty here. My heart aches for you as I empathize with the struggles you face. What you may be searching for is peace–peace of mind and peace of heart, that settles the yearning for relationship, and that affirms what each of us has monetarily and materially may actually be enough. (There are many wealthy people who are miserable. That’s why they often turn to drugs, alcohol, and multiple relationships, in order to find the happiness that wealth did not deliver.) I and many others have found that secret place of happiness in our spirits, as we’ve invited God to be with us. Psalm 16:11 in the Bible says, “You [God] will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.” God has given me “that magical feeling of being completed to last for ever,” as you’ve described it. P.S. I am honored that you’ve chosen to follow my blog, From the Inside Out. I pray you’ll find the posts meaningful and helpful in your search for happiness. Should you wish to email me sometime, the address is available under the “contact” tab on my home page.

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